Life · mental health

Humiliation, Table for One

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I woke up today feeling better than I have in several weeks. The sun is shining, both outside my window and is beginning to peek out of the dark corner of my brain where it has been dormant as of late. I’m thinking more clearly and can actually focus again. Even writing this post, I notice that the words are flowing more freely from my brain to the keyboard, which sounds like an obvious thing that would happen, right? I hate to admit it, but something even as simple as that has been a virtually impossible task during my brain-induced fog.

So, what is the reason for my sudden change of mood? Honestly, I have no idea. Considering the events of this past weekend, I was beginning to think that I would never be anything other than a sad sack of crap ever again.

I mentioned previously that I have been feeling super lonely lately. To combat those feelings, I tried to force myself out of my comfort zone a little and *gasp* make some new friends. (Oh, the horror!) There’s a Facebook group that I’m a part of for women who love to travel. The group consists of women all over the world and is a great resource for getting new travel tips/ideas. Periodically, they have in-person meetups, like the one they scheduled in Charlotte this past weekend. When I learned of the event a few months ago I had been excited to get to sit down with some of my fellow travelers and swap stories. If I was lucky, I might even make a few new friends in the process. It all sounded good, in theory, but I feel like I should have known better. By the time Saturday rolled around I was feeling pretty negative about the whole situation. (Thanks, anxiety! Love you.) I got up, got dressed, and drove over to the coffee shop where the meetup was, determined to stick it to my anxiety. I went inside, ordered a cup of coffee and sat down at an empty table. But that was about as much victory as I was going to get that day.

I sat at the table for 10-15 minutes, wondering how I was supposed to know who I was supposed to be meeting. It should have been easy to tell, right? A table full of women. I swear, it was like the universe started laughing at me at that very moment. Practically every person seated in the place was female. I sat there a little while longer, trying to gather up the courage to go from table to table, hoping to find my party. I glanced at my phone, hoping the group had put out a  message about where to meet them, but all I had was a message from Boyfriend saying “You got this!”

But I didn’t have it. That was actually when I completely lost my shit and started to tear up. My social anxiety seized hold of me at that very moment and sent me into full panic-mode, prompting me to abandon my coffee and the whole endeavor and run back to my car crying.

Needless to say, I didn’t feel too great about myself after that. Even though nobody from the group witnessed my embarrassing display (at least I hope they didn’t), I felt humiliated and defeated anyway. Perhaps humiliation looks good on me, because, for whatever reason, I’m feeling more like my old self today. The fact that I can even write this post and get a small chuckle out of it says a lot.

Maybe next time I’ll just drink my coffee at home.

 

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8 thoughts on “Humiliation, Table for One

  1. You were so brave to put yourself out there, social anxiety is stressful, but it takes a lot of guts to show up and, OMG, I’m so with you, meet-ups with women always end up in places where it’s jam-packed with women! How are we supposed to tell who’s who? It requires memorisation of every group users face! 😂

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I feel like we’re often guilt tripped into certain things because it’s the ‘normal’ thing to do that we forget what’s the most authentic thing to do, right? Either way, I think you were really brave to put yourself out there!

        Like

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