Books · Life · mental health

Hurty Thirty

One week from today I will be turning thirty years old. That’s right, the big 3-0. Dirty thirty. (I don’t understand this one. Why is it “dirty?” Is it just because it rhymes? If that’s the case then I’m changing it to Hurty Thirty, because it feels more appropriate.)

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A few months ago I wrote a post, Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Life Crisis, about my thoughts on turning thirty this year. As you can probably guess by the title, I had some concerns. Now, given that the dreaded day is almost here, I would like to re-visit that post and add some additional thoughts.

In my previous post I talked about feeling behind on life, about feeling like a “failure.” Since then, things have begun to feel a little more stable for me – with work, my mental health, relationships, etc. I have a goal I’m working towards (finishing this book and hopefully getting it published someday), which is helpful, as it’s giving me something positive to focus on.

There’s been a lot going on in terms of my physical health, with the the vagina and waffle crisis, the time I almost lost my arm, the ongoing Great Kidney Mystery, and the fact that everything hurts when I get out of bed in the morning. (Hence the “Hurty” in Hurty Thirty) It’s been quite stressful (and expensive!) and there are days I just want to cry in frustration, but, hey, I’m still alive and kicking. I have some upcoming medical appointments scheduled and I am keeping my fingers crossed that we get to the bottom of my kidney problem soon.

Looking back at twenty-nine, my first instinct is to say “Ugh, this past year was awful,” but that’s just because my brain likes to focus on the negative. (Thanks, depression/anxiety! Love you guys!) When I take a minute to really think about the past year, however, I can say that there were definitely some good moments mixed in there. Even my sweet kitty, Nooch, passed away, I welcomes a new fur baby into the family. I may have had to quite pole dancing for a few months, but as a result I was able to start dabbling in burlesque more. I paid a few fun visits to Asheville and spent countless hours relaxing/browsing the shelves of my favorite bookstores. Plus, I got to go to BookCon for the first time! Not only was BookCon itself a fantastic experience for me, but I can now say that I traveled somewhere all by myself. And damn it, I loved it!

I don’t know what my thirties are going to bring, but I’m starting to feel like maybe there’s no reason to panic. My twenties were filled with ups and more downs than I cared for, but I survived and learned from it all. I’m thinking that whatever comes next, I’m ready for.

“I know I’m not allowed on the table, but that sandwich you’re eating looks delicious.” – Merlinย 

25 thoughts on “Hurty Thirty

    1. I think the reason it’s been bothering me so much is because of the societal pressure. Everyone else my age is getting married, having kids, going on vacations every year, and doing all kinds of stuff I’m not. I’m turning 30 and I’m divorced with no kids. (I don’t even want kids, which makes it worse because other women act like I’m a leper) I feel like I can barely function half the time because of my mental health issues and now physical health issues. I know you’re not supposed to compare yourself to other people (especially what you see on social media), but my brain likes to fuck with me and does it anyway. It’s always like “Here’s everyone else, and here’s you. You’re doing it all wrong.”

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      1. I don’t think you “do it wrong”. We both know the way our minds distort things, mine does it as well. As I know it’s not easy to get out of that cycle. If you don’t want kids that’s fine. I have several friends that have no interest in having children. They’d rather call their pets as kids. Ignore the rest of the world (including or even especially me) when they give advice. Everybody has some kind of agenda, even if they are not aware of it. Write your book, read all you can and drink that glass/bottle of wine. Be your own person – fuck everybody else..

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      2. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell myself the last few months. Fuck everyone else! (But not literally, because that’s gross.) I am finding that even though I have bad days, it is getting easier to care less. Maybe with age comes wisdom, after all. ๐Ÿ™‚

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  1. I always find birthdays tough, even when I was little. But 30 doesn’t seem like the end of the world it once was (speaking today as a 25yo). I feel like millennials are going to age with grace and style ๐Ÿ˜‰ Happy (early) birthday!

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  2. You know, I expected on my 16th, 18th, 30th, 40th and 50th birthdays to wake up feeling different. I never did!
    If it helps at all – anxiety gets less of a problem with age I find.
    It might sound like a big deal hitting a big birthday but it is not compulsary for your life to decline after these milestones and I am glad you are choosing to focus on the positives.

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    1. Deep down I know it’s not really a big deal and that my brain is just trying to mess with me. Milestones always freak me out for some reason, especially because society puts all this weight on the importance of them.

      Luckily, I’ll be visiting my best in Key West for a few days next week. That should help me feel a little better about turning 30. ๐Ÿ˜›

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  3. Oh wow, my thirties were awesome! I think every time you cross that decade mark it’s normal to panic, but it sounds like you have some great things to look forward to๐Ÿ˜Š

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  4. Sigh, kids! Some of us are well past 30! ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Social pressure can f#ck off, it’s the person’s life, they can live it how they want and also sh#t happens that can derail life too.

    It’s not too bad, you will cope, we won’t rag on you for being old!

    Would you like a birthday present?? I can reply to that weird blog contact I received yesterday about sex guest posts and offer up your blog to host a topic, sounds like a plan to me! ๐Ÿ™‚

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    1. Bwahahaha. That sounds like an amazing birthday present. ๐Ÿ˜›

      I’m sure I’ll be fine once I actually hit 30. Society and their pressure surrounding milestones can bite me. I’m getting too old for that shit! Excuse me, I have to go find my dentures…

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  5. Waaaaay back when, I remember driving to my job (deckhand on a party fishing boat). Neil Young’s latest hit — “Old Man” — came on the radio. I was twenty-two then (pretty sure). One phrase from the song struck me: “. . . twenty-four and there’s so much more. . .”
    I remember thinking, ‘Damn, I’ll be 24 in two years! That’s almost a quarter of a century!’
    I’ve always dreaded my birthdays as they rolled around. But roll they did, the years and the decades, each new one seemingly faster than its predecessor. And now here I sit on the verge of three score and ten (should I make it to mid August). I’ve decided to now embrace each and every birthday I’m blessed with from here on out. ENJOY! ๐Ÿ™‚
    –Michael

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  6. I know that feeling so well, Iโ€™m in late 30s and donโ€™t have kids and am seriously tired answering the โ€˜so when will you have a kid?โ€ questions. I know that all those people mean well but… social pressure combined with all those โ€˜concernedโ€™ people can sometimes get to me.

    I love yoga as breathing is what helps me. Just focusing on breathing in and out really relieves me of some of that anxiety. Walking in nature calms me down as well. And taking breaks from technology when my mind really really wants to compare is a must for me too.

    You are not alone, happy to talk if you ever want to chat. โค๏ธ

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    1. I get those questions all the time and it can be so frustrating. Especially if you don’t want kids, then society is like “something is wrong with you!” Ugh.

      Walking and dance helps me a lot. I need to get more into breathing exercises. It’s great that you’ve found things that help you!

      Thank you for sharing with me. I really appreciate it. ๐Ÿ™‚

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  7. Ahoy there matey! I remember turning 30 back in the day. I cried that day. For several hours. I had none of the normal milestones of folk me age – house, stable job, marriage, kids. Mind ye, I didn’t want most of those things. But I felt like a big ol’ failure because I didn’t know what I wanted (hint: I still don’t). The first mate convinced me to stop hiccup crying and go out to dinner. I still don’t want kids (I be childfree!!) and have no real idea of what to be when I grow up. Plus the medical issues the past three years have sucked. If I hear “but you’re too young for that” one more time I might run someone through. Cataracts of an 85 year old at 36. Believe it. Sigh. Ye certainly seemed to have a tumultuous 20s. But me and me crew keep going, live for the moment, and hope for fair weather and sunny skies in the future. I may be a curmudgeon but I still hold a spark of hope that won’t die. So I think I understand where ye be coming from and wish ye all joy and happiness for yer 30th. Arrrr!
    x The Captain

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    1. Yep, I’ve experienced all of those things. I’m divorced, while everyone I know is recently married. No kids and I don’t want any. (This makes other women act like I’m a leper.) It’s frustrating because society puts all these bullshit expectations on you, so when you lead a different kind of life everyone says you’re doing it “wrong.” Even if you are a curmudgeon (I am, too) I think you’re awesome!

      Thank you for sharing with me. โค

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  8. I am turning 30 this year too, and the last month before I turned 29 was really hard and I had so much anxiety about โ€œjust one year left until Iโ€™m 30, and Iโ€™m so far behind everybody in everything!โ€ Right now Iโ€™m feeling fine about turning 30, but itโ€™s always the month running up to the actual day that is the worst. Nobody has it all, everybody is thinking that they are falling behind. So, Iโ€™m not married, not engaged, no kids, less disposable income than I would like, but I no longer live in a shared flat, I have a job doing what Iโ€™ve wanted for so long, and Iโ€™ve started getting into writing again. Sure, I donโ€™t have it all (nobody does), and I try to do more of the things that make me happy.
    Good luck on your book. I look forward to reading it when it comes out.

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    1. Thank you for sharing. I can totally relate to everything that you said. I think part of the reason I’ve been feeling so bad about turning 30 is because society keeps making me feel like I’m “behind.” I’m divorced, don’t want kids, have a bunch of mental and physical health problems, not much money saved, etc. Lately, I’ve been trying to remind myself that society is the real problem, not me.

      I’m glad you’re finding things that make you happy. Screw what society thinks! We don’t need to meet a timeline or fit inside a box. All that matters is whether or not we’re happy at the end of the day.

      Thank you so much for sharing โค

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