Yesterday I was feeling super anxious about something, which manifested in the form of bitterness and anger. Anger is a common symptom of anxiety for me, one that I don’t really know how to cope with. I wrote an entire blog post about it yesterday, with magically got erased. Believe it or not, this didn’t do much in terms of making me feel any less rage-y. 😒
Today, my brain has decided to take all that leftover anger and anxiousness and turn it inward. I can no longer be mad about the event that was plaguing me yesterday, so today I’m just mad at myself. Again, this is a common occurrence for me. My brain loves to find any and every excuse to tell me that I’m not good enough, creating further anger.
Me: “I no longer feel close to most of the friends I used to have.”
Brain: “Why would anybody want to be friends with you? You’re a terrible friend.”
Me: *makes suggestion that gets ignored or scoffed at*
Brain: “Why would anybody listen to you? Your ideas and suggestions aren’t good enough.”
Me: “I wonder if I’ll ever finish writing this book.”
Brain: “You won’t. You’re a terrible writer and nobody wants to read your story anyway.”
Me: *feels crappy about my body*
Brain: “Why should you feel good? You’re not skinny enough or pretty enough.”
Me: *feels stupid around Boyfriend and his family*
Brain: “You are stupid, what do you expect?”
Etc. etc. etc.
I could fill up an entire post with the bullshit that’s playing out in my head today, but I’ll spare you. I spend a great deal of time telling myself that I’m not good enough and look for others to make me feel validated as a human being. Which is stupid, because I know that I’m not supposed to do that. As part of recovery, I’m supposed to remind myself that I am good enough, that I’m perfect just the way I am. I’m supposed to tell anyone who says otherwise to go fuck themselves. I’m not supposed to care what others think about me, period. Sometimes I’m great at remembering all of this and it’s not an issue. Then, there are days like yesterday where my anxiety sneaks in and attacks from all angles, making it virtually impossible to think rationally.
I’m not sure where I intended to go with this post. I guess I’m just sharing my frustration. I wish this was ending on a more uplifting note, but it is what it is. I know some of you out there can relate and can use the reminder that they aren’t the only ones who deal with this kind of stuff.
As always, thank you for listening. ❤