Remember that kidney infection I mentioned a few days ago? It turns out that I do not, in fact, have a kidney infection at all. This became evident after I finished taking my antibiotics and was still experiencing the symptoms of infection. Since that time lots of fun things have happened: a) My kidney and bladder pain increased tenfold, b) I had to harass my doctor’s office for days to send in a referral, because apparently they hate me and don’t want to help me, and c) I drank tons of water. That last one isn’t really all that exciting, but I just felt like sharing, because I’m like SO hydrated right now.
After fighting with my doctor’s office for days, I finally got them to schedule an appointment with a urologist for me. For the record, those people are on my shit list. (A patient calls you, in tears, saying they are in so much pain that they can’t function and you just “forget” to send in their referral for 3 fucking days?!?! It’s a good thing I wasn’t having a heart attack or something more life threatening.) After dealing with that whole frustrating ordeal I finally went to see a urologist today.
My urology appointment was…interesting? In last week’s post, I said “For the low price of $50 I got to piss in a cup and get punched in the kidney!” I stepped it up today. It was $150 to piss in a cup, but this time I threatened to punch the doctor in her kidney if she tried anything funny. (Surprisingly, she seemed amused by this.) The doctor said that I might have a kidney stone, or I might have already passed a kidney stone this week, or that it could be something else entirely. They have no idea. It’s all a big, fun mystery! Next week I’ll be getting a CT scan so we can try to determine what’s going on. They also suggested that I come back in a month to get a scope put into my bladder…
THEY WANT TO STICK A TINY SCOPE IN THROUGH MY URETHRA AND INTO MY BLADDER. *laughs maniacally*
This is not a good year for my vagina, you guys. What did my poor vagina do to the universe to deserve all this?!
The doctor also informed me that while I am having these symptoms the following things will make it worse:
- Spicy foods
- Acidic foods
Anyone who knows me can already see the problem with this list. For those of you who don’t know me well, allow me to elaborate: I live off coffee, peanut butter, coffee, and spicy foods. I love coffee so much that I included it twice. THEY’RE TRYING TO TAKE AWAY THE THINGS I LOVE. 😩 The second problem is that I am someone who struggles with depression and anxiety. It’s virtually impossible to tell me to avoid stress/anxiety. Especially when a) I’m already experiencing painful medical issues, b) you’re trying to tell me to avoid coffee, and c) you mentioned something about sticking a scope into my bladder. You can’t just tell someone to stop being stressed/anxious about something and then expect it to magically work. Seriously, fuck off with that non-sense. You would think a doctor would be smart enough to know that it doesn’t work that way, especially when the patient has chronic mental health issues.
I guess we’ll see what happens after I get my CT scan next week. Hopefully, it will just be a kidney stone (or I will have already passed a kidney stone) and all of this will go away soon. I have also convinced myself that unless it’s absolutely necessary, nobody will be putting a scope anywhere inside my ladyparts. Why? Because otherwise I will have to sit here and stress over it for the next month, which is exactly what they told me not to do.
Side note: I think I’m going to write a fun book about all of this. It’ll be a mystery/choose your own ending type book. What adventure will you choose? Kidney stone? Missing clock hidden inside your bladder? Death by scope? It’s up to you!