Life · mental health

The Great Kidney Mystery

Remember that kidney infection I mentioned a few days ago? It turns out that I do not, in fact, have a kidney infection at all. This became evident after I finished taking my antibiotics and was still experiencing the symptoms of infection. Since that time lots of fun things have happened: a) My kidney and bladder pain increased tenfold, b) I had to harass my doctor’s office for days to send in a referral, because apparently they hate me and don’t want to help me, and c) I drank tons of water. That last one isn’t really all that exciting, but I just felt like sharing, because I’m like SO hydrated right now.

After fighting with my doctor’s office for days, I finally got them to schedule an appointment with a urologist for me. For the record, those people are on my shit list. (A patient calls you, in tears, saying they are in so much pain that they can’t function and you just “forget” to send in their referral for 3 fucking days?!?! It’s a good thing I wasn’t having a heart attack or something more life threatening.) After dealing with that whole frustrating ordeal I finally went to see a urologist today.

My urology appointment was…interesting? In last week’s post, I said “For the low price of $50 I got to piss in a cup and get punched in the kidney!” I stepped it up today. It was $150 to piss in a cup, but this time I threatened to punch the doctor in her kidney if she tried anything funny. (Surprisingly, she seemed amused by this.) The doctor said that I might have a kidney stone, or I might have already passed a kidney stone this week, or that it could be something else entirely. They have no idea. It’s all a big, fun mystery! Next week I’ll be getting a CT scan so we can try to determine what’s going on. They also suggested that I come back in a month to get a scope put into my bladder…

THEY WANT TO STICK A TINY SCOPE IN THROUGH MY URETHRA AND INTO MY BLADDER. *laughs maniacally*

giphy

This is not a good year for my vagina, you guys. What did my poor vagina do to the universe to deserve all this?!

The doctor also informed me that while I am having these symptoms the following things will make it worse:

  1. Coffee
  2. Spicy foods
  3. Acidic foods
  4. Stress/anxiety

Anyone who knows me can already see the problem with this list. For those of you who don’t know me well, allow me to elaborate: I live off coffee, peanut butter, coffee, and spicy foods. I love coffee so much that I included it twice. THEY’RE TRYING TO TAKE AWAY THE THINGS I LOVE. 😩 The second problem is that I am someone who struggles with depression and anxiety. It’s virtually impossible to tell me to avoid stress/anxiety. Especially when a) I’m already experiencing painful medical issues, b) you’re trying to tell me to avoid coffee, and c) you mentioned something about sticking a scope into my bladder. You can’t just tell someone to stop being stressed/anxious about something and then expect it to magically work. Seriously, fuck off with that non-sense. You would think a doctor would be smart enough to know that it doesn’t work that way, especially when the patient has chronic mental health issues.

I guess we’ll see what happens after I get my CT scan next week. Hopefully, it will just be a kidney stone (or I will have already passed a kidney stone) and all of this will go away soon. I have also convinced myself that unless it’s absolutely necessary, nobody will be putting a scope anywhere inside my ladyparts. Why? Because otherwise I will have to sit here and stress over it for the next month, which is exactly what they told me not to do.

Side note: I think I’m going to write a fun book about all of this. It’ll be a mystery/choose your own ending type book. What adventure will you choose? Kidney stone? Missing clock hidden inside your bladder? Death by scope? It’s up to you! 

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13 thoughts on “The Great Kidney Mystery

  1. As one who lives on Craft Beer and Ice Cream, I understand your dilemma. Due to my extremely high cholesterol and triglycerides, I have been told to stop both. Uh.. not just NO! but HELL NO! Oh, and to limit my caffeine due to AFib. Doctors.. what do they know?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can personally attest that having/passing a kidney stone is EXCRUCIATING! Been there, done that more than once. The VA once approved a local urologist’s request to have that scope thingy inserted you-know-where. Only, the idiots at the VA instructed him to only scope it . . . NOT REMOVE THE DAMN THING IF A STONE WAS PRESENT! I would have to have ANOTHER PROCEDURE authorized by the VA to go back in and remove the damn thing! I also suffer from depression and anxiety. As you said, stress does those conditions no good. I’m so friggin’ sick of doctors and their runaround way of doing things. I could go on, but I won’t. Suffice it to say I feel your pain, or a resonable facsimile thereof. Meanwhile, drink cranberry juice mixed with lots of vodka. Tell ’em Dr. Mikey prescribed it. 😦
    –Michael

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ugh. That sounds awful! Doctors really have a weird way of approaching mental health issues, don’t they? :\ They really need to learn how to deal with that shit better. I’ve got my cranberry juice right here! Sans vodka…maybe I should get some, lol.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Ugh ugh ugh. I am so very sorry that yer body be attacking! I can sympathize. Due to yet more never ending medical drama, I am now on a 3 month diet where I can eat rice, vegetables, fruit, and chicken. Not that I don’t love those things but I cannot eat cheese or icecream or any other delicious food that makes life more fun. After three months it’s more tests to see if the diet helps or if it might be genetic and need further testing. And they tell me to lower me stress! Icecream is what I use to lower stress! Plus I got some type of allergic reaction to who knows what and have weird bumps all over my face and head and behind me ears. WTF? And people like to point out where they can see it. Ummm thanks I know. I am almost grateful to have an allergist appointment coming up. Corn, ponies, African antelope, other furry animals. Check. What else do I get to add to the list? I be too young for this! But I be gritting me teeth and struggling through. Survival!! Arrrr!!
    x The Captain

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ugh, that doesn’t sound like fun! It’s so hard to cut back or give up the things you really love, even for medical reasons. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. Hopefully they can figure it all out soon and you’ll get the problem fixed. Allergies are such a pain. I have a few of them myself.

      I feel like I’m too young for all this bullshit, also! Is this like a rite of passage into adulthood or something? lol

      Liked by 1 person

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