The Fear of What Comes Next

When I started online therapy back in October I didn’t expect to need it for very long. “Just a month or two, until I get my shit back together,” I told myself. But, once you open up one can of worms you might as well open all of them, right?

It’s now the middle of April and I’m still enrolled in therapy. My first therapist didn’t work out so well. (In fact, when I tried to tell her I needed a little more from her she told me I could “go find someone else to talk to.” ) The therapist I have now has been great. She’s listens to me and has a very good understanding of what I need. She pushes me when I really need someone to push me, but she gives me enough space to work things out on my own. I am very grateful to have crossed paths with her.

I’m in a much better place now than I was last Summer/Fall. I still have bad days, sometimes weeks, but they are much more manageable now. My anxiety is still there, as well as some of my eating issues, but those never fully go away. Again, it’s all more manageable now, as I have made a lot of progress. My therapist and I have agreed that I probably don’t need her services anymore. I have the tools she’s given me an am stable enough now that I can keep working towards recovery on my own.

I feel like I should be excited about this. It’s always good to hear that you’re moving forward, rather than backwards, right?

I’m stronger! I’m capable! I’m doing great!…and I’m terrified!

I hate to admit it, but I don’t always feel like I’m that much better. My bad days can put me in a pretty low place. I’m terrified that once I discontinue therapy I’m just going to spiral back down again. I don’t feel like I always get the support I need from others, but it’s been okay since my therapist has been there to fill the gap. What will I do now? Who will I talk to if I’m feeling lonely, scared, or angry?

To clarify, I am not being forced out of therapy. This is a decision we both agreed was probably necessary. I’ve been using the services less and less the last few months. It’s been there as more of a backup than anything. Still, it feels like a big step and I’m not feeling very confident about it. Rather, I’m not feeling very confident in myself. :-\

I feel like I really needed to get that off my chest today. I’ll keep you all posted in the upcoming weeks.