Life

Adventures of a One-Armed Pole Dancer

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Remember those health concerns I mentioned over the weekend? I just wanted to check in and give a brief update on how all of that is going.

According to WebMD I need my arm amputated and have cancer. Everyone told me that I’m overreacting, but clearly they’re lying because the internet is never wrong.

This morning I paid a visit to the orthopedic doctor to find out what’s been going on with my shoulder. About 2-3 months ago I injured it while pole dancing. I didn’t fall or even do anything particularly dangerous. I was coming down off the pole into a handstand-like position and all of a sudden my left shoulder and arm locked up. Ever since then my shoulder has felt a little off. The past two weeks I’ve been experiencing pain and numbness throughout my shoulder/arm, so I finally caved and went to the doctor.

After taking some x-rays and attempting to pull my arm from my socket a few times, the doctor concluded that I have tendonitis bursitis. He didn’t agree with me that my arm needs amputated, but, then again, the man didn’t even have a stethoscope. I am beginning to question whether or not he’s even a real doctor. His suggestion is that I take anti-inflammatory medicine for a little while and go to physical therapy. I guess I can try this for a few weeks before I get Boyfriend’s hacksaw out of the shed.

I have an appointment for an ultrasound coming up soon for a different health concern. I don’t know the exact date of the appointment yet, but don’t worry. Someone called me from the doctor’s office today to tell me that someone from the doctor’s office will be calling me. (Yes, you did read that correctly.) I’m definitely going to sleep a little easier tonight.

P.S. Adventures of a One-Armed Pole Dancer would be a great title for my memoir, no?

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11 thoughts on “Adventures of a One-Armed Pole Dancer

  1. I think the title would be great. I’m glad they notified you about the phone call with a phone call. This post made me laugh so hard. Thank you!!! Good luck and stay off of the internet. I think I testicular cancer after reading the internet once. Worst hour of my life…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I would read that memoir. But, yes, Web MD is very good at recognizing the early signs of death. I told Web MD that I was feeling completely fine, with no symptoms, and it was still able to identify that I have mere weeks to live. Thank you, Internet!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Bursitis is painful, but curable (mostly . . . I think), so that’s good news. Best wishes on your other problem. Hope it’s minor and completely curable. I almost laughed out loud when I saw that “One Armed Pole Dancer” in the message topic. That would be a good one for sure, uh, for bursitis, not amputation! 🙂
    –Michael

    Liked by 1 person

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