Since getting back from “vacation” a few weeks ago, I’ve been in a little bit of a reading rut and haven’t had much to post about. It’s more than just a reading rut, actually…
I mentioned one particular incident that occurred during my vacation that was particularly stressful, but that was actually just the tip of the iceberg. Without going into detail I will say that there were several factors surrounding that trip that made it anything but pleasant. I hoped by the time we got home I would be feeling better, but unfortunately there was some residual bitterness clinging on. On top of that, my poor Beaker (my dog) is having a hard time right now. There have been multiple trips to the vet and some very long, sleepless nights for both the little guy and myself. I can’t stand seeing him this way and even though we are doing all we can to make him feel better, I am still feeling somewhat helpless.
As usual, being stressed makes me start to feel like crap about myself. (Thanks brain!) As a result, I’m finding myself being restrictive and obsessive over food again. Unfortunately, no matter how long you’ve been in recovery, no matter how long you’ve fought the shitty, self-destructive voices in your head, it’s always so easy to fall back into old habits.
Truthfully, this hasn’t just started. Its been on and off like this the past few months, but recently it’s gotten worse. It’s frustrating because I’m smart enough to know that this isn’t the way to deal with stress, but that still isn’t enough to make it just go away.
I know there is no such thing as “normal” and that everyone has issues that they deal with, but part of me can’t help but envy those around me who seem to have “normal” relationships with food. I imagine it must be nice to be offered ice cream by your co-workers and to be able to eat it without having some sort of existential crisis. (Side note: wouldn’t Existential Ice Cream Crisis be a sweet band name?)
Sorry for being a downer today. I really need to finish the book I’ve been reading so I can post some more reviews. I hope the rest of you are doing well. ❤️